Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

A lot of people in the queer community (I am definitely one of them) imitate and satirize 1981’s Mommie Dearest, a campy yet VERY triggering film adaptation of the autobiography of Joan Crawford’s daughter Christina Crawford. However, the film and book have a very dark underpinning of parental narcissistic abuse. When we joke on a massive scale about the wire hangers scene or the axe scene, we forget as a collective that the film was autobiographical and is based on actual abuse inflicted by Joan Crawford. And so many other parents and children alike out there are not privy to this being labeled as traumatizing.

Before you get into this blog, I’d like to ask my readers to take a second and check in with themselves. If you are already suffering some form of depressive episode or trauma trigger, it would be best to pause reading this. I describe some potentially heavy issues that might poke an unconscious memory that has remained dormant for years. I felt it was ethical to give anyone reading this a trigger warning.

I also would like to say at the start of this piece that it is not my intention to demonize anyone’s parents or parenting styles. I do not believe that any parent intentionally traumatizes their children. Our parents did the best that they could with what they had in front of them. Even though our parents did not intend to damage us, so many of them unknowingly did so through narcissistic abuse. This article is not meant to call out, but instead it is meant to heal.

We all know a family where there has been some form of abuse. Whether it is our own immediate family, an extended family, or a family very close to ours. Abuse is sadly omnipresent, and abuse is always traumatic. Childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse inflicted by a parent or caregiver can not only affect the children on a short-term basis, but it can also leave a long-lasting mark on the adult psyche.

What is a narcissistic parent?

The words “narcissistic”, “narcissism”, and “narcissistic parent” get thrown around quite a bit on social media through hashtagging. People in general are waking up to what narcissistic abuse means on a grand scale. By definition, a narcissist is someone who has either been diagnosed or is diagnosable with narcissistic personality disorder. Someone with this disorder exhibits an inflated sense of ego, an excessive need for admiration, a complete disregard for others’ feelings, and callous and unemotional traits (all forms of abuse when looked at through a relational lense).

When a parent has these traits, it can have a profound effect on everyone else in the family. When someone knows a narcissist, they typically have to hold extremely firm boundaries before they distance themselves from the narcissistic person completely. Holding firm boundaries is sadly not a common theme in a household with a narcissistic abuser as they rarely understand or respect boundaries. When we have an interpersonal relationship with a narcissistic abuser outside of a parent, we have the luxury of being able to cut off the relationship completely. But when our parent or caregiver completely disregards our feelings or emotional experiences, we cannot create a healthy space with them while being raised by them. And this is traumatizing.

Some common traits of narcissistic parents:

1) Gaslighting: A narcissistic parent gaslights their children when they are unable to hear their perspectives (it is typically not in favor of the narcissistic parent). Gaslighting means shifting the blame and making someone question their own realities.

2) Minimizing: Two classic examples of this would be “You didn’t have it that bad!” or “You could have had it way worse!” You get the idea.

3) Dismissing: A parent who is narcissistic tends to dismiss their children’s reality in order to not hold themselves accountable for their own mistakes

4) Guilt-tripping: We all know what this feels like! Guilt-tripping children is rooted in shaming them, punishing them, or emotionally blackmailing them. Guilt-tripping is absolutely a form of narcissistic abuse from a parent.

5) Physical Harm: Many narcissistic parents excessively abuse their children, both emotionally and physically. When a parent physically abuses their children, it is typically covered up with “I did this because I love you”. This is a form of emotional abuse covering up for the physical abuse.

Common experiences of children with narcissistic parents:

Sadly, since narcissistic abuse is largely a form of emotional abuse, it is not as easily visible and reportable as physical abuse. Below are some developmental tell-tale signs of children under 18 who more than likely are suffering at the hands of a narcissistic parent:

1) Bullying: If a child has been in trouble frequently for bullying their peers, they are highly likely imitating the behavior of a parent at home!

2) Eating disorders/Distorted body image:Sadly some of the emotional disregard in narcissistic parents can reflect in how children view their bodies as well as their habits of nourishing themselves.

3) Increased risk of substance use: Children with narcissistic caregivers tend to turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of being abused.

4) Low sense of self-worth: Children, or any family member of a narcissist, tend to have to deflate their core authentic selves in order to please the narcissistic parent. When they are their most authentic selves, they are typically shamed for it. This contributes to a very low sense of self, i.e. “I am not allowed to feel worthy, especially at my lowest.”

5) Inflated egos: Narcissistic parents tend to instill the ideal of “I am perfect. You came from me, and therefore you are perfect.” No further explanation needed.

Common experiences of adults with narcissistic parents:

It is absolutely important to note that traits of children with narcissistic parents (i.e. bullying, body dysmorphia, substance use, low self-worth, and inflated egos) can absolutely be present in adults. The characteristics mentioned in the previous section mainly apply to children who are currently under the care of a narcissistic parent, but these previously mentioned traits can carry over and even be exacerbated in adulthood.

So many of my adult clients come to me struggling to have a relationship with a narcissistic parent. Some clients do not even realize that the abusive and destructive behavior that their parents inflict upon them can be classified as narcissistic. Perhaps the greatest factor that I see in my adult clients whose parents are narcissistic is a struggle in romantic partnerships.

A common theme I have noticed in many people, clients or otherwise, is that they subconsciously seek out partners that are reminiscent of their parents with narcissistic qualities–frequent lack of emotional regard, an inflated sense of self-worth, physically and emotionally abusive, and the list goes on. Kelly McDaniel, LPC, NCC, calls this pattern “repetition compulsion” in her book Ready to Heal. Repetition compulsion essentially means that adults mimic the abusive cycles that were present within their households through adult marriages and relationships.

Another very common theme that a lot of adult children of narcissistic parents struggle with throughout their entire lives is the struggle for independence. Narcissists get a sadistic pleasure in knowing that those around them have become codependent on them, and narcissistic parents are no exception to this rule. Narcissistic parents are almost always threatened by the need for independence that their children garner regardless of age and life stage. Narcissistic parents want their children to remain partly or wholly dependent on them, and so the notion of their adult children grasping for their own identity is shamed, dismissed, or simply unacknowledged.

Relationships and a struggle for independence are some of the many ways that narcissistic abuse from a caregiver can leave on an adult child. Below are just a few of many ways that someone can leave a narcissistic household and enter adulthood traumatized:

1) Complications with sexuality: Adult children may develop either an infatuation or an aversion to sex and sexuality. Depending on how sex was handled or mishandled in the family system, children of narcissistic parents may have an extremely complicated relationship with sex as they navigate through life. This is especially common with my queer clients who had to come out to a narcissistic family member and were shamed for their gender or sexuality.

2) Anxious attachment: Adults whose parents were narcissistic had a relationship with their parents that was chaotic, turbulent, and unpredictable. Referring back to repetition compulsion, adult children tend to mimic subconsciously the kind of parental relationships with their romantic partners. And this can manifest through having an anxious attachment style.

3) Rigidity and perfectionism: Oftentimes, adult children are afraid to “make a mess”, be imperfect, or be seen as human because, as previously mentioned, narcissistic parents often shamed their children for being developmentally normal and imperfect. This bleeds into adulthood as perfectionism, a fear of making mistakes, and an incredibly rigid list of self-imposed expectations.

4) People-pleasing tendencies: I’ve noticed adult children of narcissistic households have developed an inordinately high level of empathy and are therefore in constant worry of displeasing or disappointing those around them.

5) Difficulty setting boundaries: In a narcissistic household, boundaries are either hardly present or non-existent. Adults who come from these homes have a very difficult time setting boundaries in friendships, working relationships, partnerships, or boundaries with their own narcissistic parents.

So, you’ve realized your parent might be narcissistic–Now what?

The first thing I’d like to say in the last section of my blog on such a heavy topic is this: WE ARE NOT DESTINED TO BECOME OUR PARENTS. We are a generation still bleeding from narcissistic abuse from our previous generation because when our parents were learning how to be parents, the concepts of family and individual therapy were largely unknown and were viewed as a luxury. As said in the beginning of this piece, our parents did the best that they could… And there is no written rule that we have to repeat their mistakes. I cannot stress this enough to everyone reading this!

Granted, there is an overwhelming amount of research suggesting that these patterns of abuse have repeated themselves over generations. And we are now alive in a time of history where the resources to break these generational curses are vastly available at our very fingertips. If you are an adult child of narcissistic parenting and have children (or plan to start a family), you have a duty to not parent them in the abusive ways your parents may have taught you. As a human of sound mind, you have the full capability of learning new ways of parenting while simultaneously parenting yourself to heal from your parents’ wounds.

It is so incredibly important to have your own therapy if you grew up in a narcissistic household. Having your own therapist can save you from engaging in destructive habits to self or others, prevent you from staying in one narcissistic partnership after another, and overall improve your own boundaries not only with your narcissistic parent but any other person in your life. If you are wanting to rekindle or repair a relationship with a narcissistic parent, having a family therapist is highly recommended. This will help with instilling a sense of safety with a parent who inadvertently caused you harm as well as create some healing surrounding some lifelong wounds inflicted by a parent.

If you are interested in family therapy with a narcissistic parent or are wanting to do your own individual work on your relationship with a narcissistic parent, I specialize in both of these areas of therapy. Below is my contact information if you would like to become a client of mine and are a resident of Texas!

www.newwavecounselingatx.com/about

newwavecounselingatx@gmail.com

512-402-2995

Instagram: @newwavecounseling