A lot of people are becoming more and more ambivalent regarding the holiday seasons. A lot of my clients, friends, and family are filled with mixed feelings of joy, sadness, excitement, and grief once November 1st hits. (And after all, how can we not mourn Halloween being over?!). The older that I’ve gotten and the more professional experience I’ve gotten working in mental health, I’m realizing that everyone is existentially free to make their own holiday rules up as they go along. A huge code I’ve recently cracked regarding free agency as fully realized adults is that not a single person is obligated to do something they do not want to do. No one should be forced to travel if their financial situation is tight, no one is required to be at a Thanksgiving or holiday dinner if it does not work for them, and no one is obligated to spend time around family members or close family friends who have been abusive in the past. As if we are not inundated enough with the Christmas music playing on loudspeakers in different businesses, we are also inundated with toxic societal messages like “We only get one family, so spend as much time around them as you can!” or the ever problematic “If you have drama with family, put it aside and deal with it after the holidays.” We are almost told through different messages on a massive scale that we ought to be around family even if it compounds past unhealed trauma. There is also a rising trend that I am seeing among different people I know both personally and professionally–doing absolutely nothing for the holidays. 2022 has been THE year of staying home and doing what’s best for my clients and friends as well as their families. Yes, there is some grief involved, but it is overall liberating to stay home and get takeout from your favorite restaurant, make cocktails or meals at home, and watch your favorite movies with your pets and loved ones. I personally have taken the entire week of Thanksgiving off from work, and I’m getting in as much self-care as I possibly can. I wanted to keep the blog entry for this week light in the spirit of not working extra hard throughout the holidays. So I want to dedicate the rest of this piece to my wonderful friends, therapists or otherwise. I recently asked my friends over social media how they held boundaries with their families over the holiday season, and the rest of this blog is dedicated to their brilliant, insightful, and very practical feedback. I hope you get a taste of the utmost privilege I have regarding such a great group of friends who are so willing to give their wisdom on boundary setting. “Me personally… I send out a group text. For example, it’s flu/covid/RSV season so I sent out a mass text asking everyone to not kiss the baby and to wash hands before holding her. 🤷🏼♀️ I’m all for putting it in writing so nobody can be like “You didn’t tell me that!” Also, I SUCK at boundary setting so I have to do it that way 😅”
“Return accountability! I’m not responsible for other people's happiness during the holidays.”
“I avoid contact during holidays."
“I send a message to my family on what my boundaries are. If they’re crossed, I remove myself from the situation and leave with no warning/explanation necessary."
"I coordinate a designated driver to pick me up if I’m too drunk to drive or my car randomly gets blocked in by other cars.”
“Move away from them. Then plan your vacation around the Holidays. I haven't spent the holidays with our families in YEARS. It is best that way.”
“I do not deviate from my or my children's sleep schedule unless absolutely necessary. I make sure I make my wants and needs known to my partner in order for him to help me stand firm on my boundaries. I'm also terrible with money so our talking budget beforehand was important so he could help set spending limits. Meal planning or knowing plans ahead of time and where things takes place also helps me to plan out my schedule for our family ahead of time.”
“Rehearse with my therapist how to be assertive toward family. Rehearse with my therapist hard conversations that I can expect to have with family. Tell my husband in advance to be our timekeeper and tell me when to leave with him. Walk away/hide in bathroom if I need a mental timeout. Bring my favorite alcohol. In our family text group, we preplan events with concrete days in mind and I let them know how unavailable I will be to them outside of those days. Last resort if disaster is expected: fake sick. Thankfully, I have pretty awesome family and in-laws but these have all been needed in the past.”
“I limit my exposure to certain people and people in general in order to keep a sane and sound mind. Sometimes all the noise and talking is overstimulating and makes my brain loud and I just have to find a hiding spot for some quiet.”
“Stating what our family is doing and avoiding any passive aggressive responses.”
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