Did you know that January is the month when the most people file for divorce? Did you know that one in two children will see their parents get divorced? And did you know that adult children from divorced homes are more likely to experience divorce themselves in their adult relationships? All of these alarming statistics describe the many facets of divorce and how many factors in one system it can affect.
I share with my clients openly that I am a child from a divorced home. I do this not to over-identify with my clients or disclose too much about myself. I share this detail about my life to normalize divorce as well as the immense impact that it has on society as a whole. Divorce was once viewed as taboo, hush-hush, or overtly appalling. My grandmother was a divorcee in the 1960's where she worked and raised my mother and my aunt. This was viewed as shocking and intolerable during this time in history. My mother was also a divorcee raising her only child (myself) and somehow her son became a psychotherapist.
Adult children who come from divorce often feel a level of betrayal from their parents. They sometimes can view love as a temporary, fleeting concept. They can also grow up with the unconscious burden of their parents' divorce as well as carry this unrealized trauma into their own relationships.
For this blog, I would like to hold space for anyone who has had the unique experience of watching their parents divorce. I would like to use this article as a resource for anyone who has had to go through this experience as children and carry it into their adulthood. And most of all, I would like to de-stigmatize and reduce shame regarding divorce, whether you are a child or parent.
Statistics
Let us first look at some eye-opening statistics of children who come from divorced households.
There is a lower likelihood of children of divorced parents finishing high school and college.
There is a greater probability of children whose parents have divorced to live in poverty at some point in their lives.
Children of divorced parents are very likely to experience behavioral issues from the ages of 7 to 14.
70% of all prison inmates incarcerated for long-term sentences come from homes of either one parent or homes of divorce.
Adult children of divorced parents are more likely to experience a divorce in their own adult relationships.
Adult children of divorce tend to grow into adulthood with either a highly anxious or highly avoidant attachment style (Secure attachment is the goal).
Despite these grueling statistics, I want to make it abundantly clear that children, regardless of age, are not doomed to fail if their parents have separated or divorced. Children of divorce actually have a high likelihood of succeeding with their careers and their own families if the divorce experience they had was deliberate and collaborative. In my opinion as both a child of divorce as well as a mental health professional, I fully believe that a child is better off with two happy homes full of peace and love than one acrimonious home filled with contempt and conflict.
Divorce Through an Attachment Lens
Attachment Theory posits that humans are born 100% dependent on their caregivers. Babies need to be held, coddled, rocked, and nurtured as much and as often as possible. As they get older, their need for the care of both of their parents does not disappear. As babies turn into toddlers and as toddlers turn into children, these mini-adults need as much care and patience from their families as possible while they become acquainted with who they are as growing people.
Oppositely, when babies cry out for their caregivers, the same thing happens in their infant brains as it does in an adult brain after it has been in a car accident. If we feel neglected by either (or both) of our parents, our fight-or-flight instinct kicks into high gear. Attachment Theory also asserts that there is nothing more hazardous to the human condition than isolation.
Isolation is sadly such a common thread of children whose parents have divorced. To feel isolated from a parent while your body is going through puberty can be very traumatizing to a developing brain and body. Children who feel neglected by their parents can and will go into adulthood with unmet attachment needs. These unmet needs can leave room for impulsive behavior, tumultuous relationships, out-of-control substance use, and low self-esteem in adulthood.
Destigmatizing Divorce
Recently I made a post on Instagram regarding some common factors and statistics regarding children from divorced homes. I mistakenly kept using the phrase "broken homes" in my post. All the while, my gut was telling me that I should use another phrase or wording to describe divorced homes. Within an hour of my posting, a divorce coach whom I have been following said that she loathed the words "broken home". My immediate response was to go on the defensive as this is the only way I have known how to describe my own upbringing (given that I am a child of divorce).
I privately messaged her and asked what wording I should use instead. She said, "A Divorced Home" is more appropriate. She educated me on the word "broken" to describe a home. This can feel like a permanently shameful message to a child whose parents divorced, and it is important as therapists to not perpetuate stigma or shame. We then got very deep in conversation about our own experiences with divorce, and I was thankful I was able to hear her. Not only did I edit my post to exclude the phrase "broken home", but we are planning to do a live Instagram together soon!
The moral to this story is to be mindful of how words can perpetuate shame, and that language is such an incredibly powerful tool when it comes to helping and healing the wounds of trauma. Regarding divorce specifically, shame is an uninvited family member that is sadly present in many households where divorce is present. To reference the beginning of this post, I name coming from a divorced home to my clients to normalize divorce.
Even though the divorce statistics were at an all-time-low in 2019, divorce is such an integral part of our macrosystem. We either have seen our parents divorce, or someone within our immediately family has been divorced in the past. Divorce in 2024 is so incredibly normal and normalized that there isn't a single person who needs to shroud this in secrecy. Adult children of divorced parents also have a unique opportunity to have special bonds with each of their parents as well as the partners their parents marry later. Divorce is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
How to Minimize Childhood Trauma Regarding Divorce
Regardless of emotional health or socioeconomic status, it is never not traumatizing for children to watch their parents uncouple and eventually dissolve their marriage. This tends to give children a feeling of instability and uncertainty regarding their safety. However, children can have a minimal amount of trauma if the divorce is deliberate. Below are some suggestions for parents who can minimize the impact of divorce on their children as they go through their development:
Reassure your children that it is not their fault as so many children internalize divorce as their own doing
Also, reassure yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have in front of you! Not everyone was meant to remain together, even if they have made children together.
Hire a collaborative law team so that the divorce does not get dragged into court (courts can exacerbate the process and create even more uncertainty). Collaborative teams are made up typically of lawyers representing each parent, a mediator, a social worker, a family therapist, and sometimes child psychologists.
Plan carefully ahead of time what child custody is going to look like (who will the children live with and how often?)
Have spousal and child support agreed upon in writing (I see this often tear apart families when there is the slightest ambiguity in these agreements)
Prioritize time with your children. This will minimize the feeling of neglect so many children feel during divorce.
Have the children see their own therapist. Having a space to process the unrest of parents divorcing can be very beneficial both short-term and long-term.
If economically feasible, each parent should also be in individual counseling. Single fathers who are recently divorced are proudly one of my specialties.
Remember that nasty and acrimonious divorces are 100% preventable if carefully planned ahead of time!
Have as much social support as possible. The phrase "It takes a village" does not only apply to children.
If you are an adult child of divorce or are beginning the divorce process as a parent, reach out to me today for a free consult to begin your therapeutic journey. I also work with teens whose parents have recently divorced as I can fully empathize with how it feels! Divorce can be such an intense and distressing process for everyone involved, and I am here to help! newwavecounselingatx@gmail.com
512-402-2995
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