Why am I writing this blog?
I have wanted to write on this topic for a very long time. Gaslighting is so ingrained in our culture, our families, our systems, our societies, and we finally as a whole are able to not only name it but call it out as it is happening. I firmly believe as humans we have a sixth sense for inauthenticity, and somehow we innately know that someone is telling us a variation of the truth, embellishing their reality, or lying to us altogether.
The deceptive nature of gaslighting can be nothing short of traumatizing. So many of us have had a sudden realization that we are being gaslit. And it is never a pleasant feeling. This blog post is my attempt at understanding what gaslighting is, why it exists, how it is used, and how it can be stopped. As a therapist and as a human with an inordinate amount of empathy, I have been on the receiving end of being gaslit. And applying logic and understanding to such a destructive behavior can hopefully remove some of the shame and stigma around such a wreckless human action. I hope my readers walk away with the same understanding and power!
What is gaslighting?
Image Courtesy of Wikipedia.com
The term “gaslight” was taken from the 1944 psychological thriller Gaslight directed by gay filmmaker George Cukor and starred Ingrid Bergman (stan), Joseph Cotten (swoon), and a very young Angela Lansbury (slay!!). The film essentially depicted a devious plot of a husband slowly driving his wife into a disconnect from reality, using the gas lamps in their London home as a way for her to question her sanity. “Questioning our sanity” is a very familiar feeling associated with folx who have been gaslit. The film Gaslight is where the terms “gaslit”, “gaslighting” and “gaslight” came from.
If someone is capable of gaslighting an individual, they are often described as narcissistic (possessing a grandiose sense of self) or antisocial (lacking empathy and a general regard for the feelings of others, often associated with psychopathy or sociopathy). Narcissists and sociopaths can most easily gaslight someone (including their partners and their families), and they use this as a tactic as a means to an end. Some examples of gaslighting from narcissistic and sociopathic individuals can sound something like the below statements:
“You’re crazy for thinking that ever happened or that I did that!”
“I never sexually assaulted them, they just are seeking pity!”
“Your memory must be skewed if you think I ever did that to you!”
Society and mental health professionals alike most often attribute gaslighting to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) as mentioned above. However, I am writing this blog with the unpopular opinion that gaslighting is not only seen in people with NPD or APD. I have seen people gaslight others who do not meet the DSM-V criteria for these personality disorders. I have seen folx gaslight as a form of deflecting blame from themselves as well as to avoid the difficult task of taking accountability.
Why taking accountability is difficult
“Taking accountability” is such a broadly used term in 2023. It can be applied to extreme cases like criminals being sentenced to crimes that feel like suitable punishment to fit their abhorrent actions. Or “taking accountability” can be applied to smaller cases like teaching your children to apologize for sneaking into the cookie jar. Regardless, taking accountability and ownership is a difficult task as it requires a high level of emotional discomfort. Apologizing to someone when we know that we have done them wrong takes a lot of mental energy, and sadly not everyone is ready to exert it.
Image courtesy of @FeltTipFeelings on Instagram
When people are confronted by someone whom they have wronged, it is a basic human instinct for the accused person to defend themselves and put a spotless spit shine on their version of events (i.e. the abuse). But once the defenses are lowered and they have a proper amount of time to reflect inward to examine if they are to blame, they have to ask themselves if they are truly at fault. If they realize that they are at fault, they can take two routes:
Route 1: Apologizing. Taking Accountability. Owning their mistakes. If the person who has been accused of a wrongdoing is truly at fault and realizes such, they hopefully might say something like the below statements:
“I recognize that I have hurt you and I want to apologize.”
“I am sorry for what I have done and want to make it right.”
“Is there anything I can do to correct my actions on this?”
Route 2: GASLIGHTING. The person might not only have NPD or APD but they also might have a lower emotional intelligence quotient (EQ) and might not have the mental stability to apologize for their own wrongdoing. Not everyone has been through years of therapy, and when they rely on very outdated, toxic ways of thinking (i.e. toxic positivity, “don’t focus on the past”, or “suck it up and keep going”), they are more likely to gaslight. Some simply do not have the self-awareness to deal with the emotional discomfort needed to go inward. Instead, in the absence of self-awareness and emotional capacity, they rely on gaslighting as a way to avoid taking ownership of their actions. Gaslighting can sound like the below statements:
“Stop living in the past and focus on today!”
“You’re really worried about something I did to you 20 years ago?”
“Suck it up and move on! Life’s too short to worry about the past!”
“You have a very vivid imagination.”
Might you have heard these before? Yes, these statements are a form of gaslighting. They are subtle and covert ways to gaslight others, but it is gaslighting nonetheless. I see these statements used a lot in families where complex PTSD is present and not everyone is fully ready to take ownership of past abuse. Gaslighting, whether done covertly or not, can largely be looked at as a defense mechanism.
Gaslighting as a defense mechanism
We can view defense mechanisms as ways of displacing, deflecting, or discharging emotion. The emotions that might come from taking ownership and accountability would be such core negative emotions such as fear, disgust, and sadness. Other emotions and feelings that may arise when someone self-reflects on the pain they have caused others would be shame, guilt, depression, and PTSD. Because all of these emotions are extremely difficult to sit with and require a very wide window of emotional tolerance, gaslighting can be viewed as a way for people to not engage with the necessary discomfort overall. It is a very seductive method of deflecting emotional pain and discomfort to gaslight an accuser instead of fully viewing themselves as someone who has brought someone else harm.
How do we stop gaslighting?
I will say first off that in my 35 years of life, I have never seen an entire generation of people who are raising their hands up against abusers. The societal tolerance level for abuse has decreased dramatically since COVID-19, and we as a society are not making excuses for abusers any longer. Since the meaning of gaslighting has come into public consciousness on such a large scale, people in general are learning how to not only defend themselves against abuse but to spot gaslighters and gaslighting behavior very quickly on. So, my future predictions as a therapist for gaslighting are hopeful–It is slowly becoming obsolete.
A sure fire way for gaslighting to die off completely is to normalize going to therapy. I have had clients in the past realize that they are either on the receiving end of gaslighting or have realized that they themselves have gaslit people in the past. Being able to name the behavior in therapy if you are doing the gaslighting is extremely important as it will hopefully allow you to stop this toxic behavior in the future. Naming past behavior that you might have gone years without speaking about also destigmatizes our views of self and reduces shame overall.
Going to therapy teaches people as a whole to sit with heavy emotions like fear, sadness, shame, and isolation. Regularly attending therapy helps people tolerate emotional discomfort as they begin to put words to very painful experiences they have had in the past. This allows people to take ownership of their past behavior, thus decreasing their need to gaslight others.
If you are a victim of gaslighting from a narcissistic or abusive family member, the best method is to utilize emotional distance from this person. The gaslighter needs to go on their own journey to hopefully realize that they are doing more harm than good to their relationships. If your partner is gaslighting you, it is best to either attend couples therapy to grow the emotional window of tolerance within the relationship so that gaslighting subsides or to end the relationship altogether if the abuse continues.
I love working with couples where a partner is relying on gaslighting their partner to cope with past trauma within the relationship. I create a space where both partners can be heard and understood, and thus the gaslighting can be potentially looked at in their process as a defense mechanism and a thing of the past, I also enjoy helping people through the survival of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting as I know what it feels like as a human. Finally, one of my passions is helping men grow into more emotionally healthy and self-aware versions of themselves.
If any of this content resonates with you and you are ready to begin therapy, reach out today at newwavecounselingatx@gmail.com or call my office at 512-402-2995 to set up an appointment!
References Hornblow, A. (Producer), & Cukor, G. (Director). (1944). Gaslight [Motion picture]. United States: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.
Kommentare