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Dating a Narcissist: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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If you need immediate assistance in leaving an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or go to thehotline.org. I recently borrowed a friend’s Discovery+ login info to watch the disturbing and prolific three-part series House of Hammer. I found it extremely disturbing not only because of the familial and generational trauma that different members of the overtly patriarchal family unapologetically displayed, but also the extremely oppressive and traumatizing situations that actor Armie Hammer (The Social Network and Call Me By Your Name) put some of his girlfriends through. And after I finished the series wide-eyed and retraumatized from my own experiences, I asked myself: Why haven’t I yet blogged about narcissistic partners? Armie Hammer’s narcissistic abuse tactics were nothing short of unspeakable (and given the long, illustrious line of abusive and controlling men in his family, he undoubtedly was mimicking behavior modeled in front of him by his father and grandfather). He submerged different women into heinous circumstances by love bombing them to get them to do what he desired them to do. He was into different unconventional kinks, which there is nothing wrong with. But he seemed to fetishize putting the women he dated into situations that were absolutely not consensual. This is the true work of a narcissistic abuser. The DSM-V describes narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as a mental illness characterized by the diagnosed person’s inflated sense of self-importance, a profound need for adoration from those around them, a blatant disregard for others’ feelings, and very turbulent relationships with the people around them (family, friends, and romantic partners). Narcissists also are known to gaslight, manipulate, minimize someone’s emotional experiences, to name only a few. I recently wrote a blog on adult children of narcissistic parents, and this characterizes the parental patterns of narcissism. But now that we understand the basic traits of a narcissist, let’s dive deeper into how it reflects within a romantic partnership. Recognizing the Signs As mentioned previously, one of the very first noticeable traits of a narcissistic partner is their easy knack for love bombing. When someone is love bombed by a partner early on in a relationship, they will feel flooded by how smitten they are by the person. Narcissists who love bomb will begin to shower you with an overwhelming amount of affection, gifts, texts, calls, and notes. It will all seem romantic on the surface, but over time, the love bomber will begin to get comfortable with putting thoughts and ideas into their partners’ heads like “I’ll never go away” and “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” after only having met the person two weeks in. Another trait that narcissistic partners tend to practice is gaslighting their spouses or partners, which is essentially the act of making someone appear to be crazy or delusional. Narcissistic partners might do or say something very inappropriate or invasive to their partner that warrants a visceral or angry reaction, and the narcissistic partner will subsequently hold the proportionate intense reaction against their partners (i.e. “You’re crazy for reacting that way!”). It is a systematic teardown by a narcissist of one’s own perception of what’s happening around them. One more tactic that narcissists have in a relationship is to oppress their partner’s growth and sense of self. To go back to Armie Hammer’s depiction in House of Hammer, he almost preyed on unsuspecting women who had no idea about BDSM or any other known kinks as he was fascinated by taking advantage of and oppressing them. When a narcissistic partner oppresses their partner, they tend to humiliate them in front of people, make degrading comments about their weight or appearance, and minimize their intelligence level. Just as gaslighting is a teardown of someone’s perception, oppression is a systematic destruction of someone’s sense of self and self-esteem. Before we get into the long-term effects of narcissistic behavior in relationships, I would like to summarize a very important point as to why narcissistic partners love bomb, gaslight, and oppress the people whom they are dating. The agenda of any narcissistic partner is to remain in control within the relationship. As previously mentioned in the diagnosable traits of anyone with NPD, narcissistic people have an inflated sense of self. This grandiose self-perception bleeds into a relationship where the partner with NPD will refuse to be told what to do, refuse to relinquish control over finances, and sometimes run the household with an iron hand. The Dangers of Narcissistic Behavior Now that we have understood the meaning of NPD as well as the tell-tale signs of any narcissistic abuser in a relationship, it is equally important to go over the long term effects that the narcissistic partner may leave behind in their trail of human destruction. The most primary and blatant effect that a narcissistic abuser can have on a partner is relational trauma. Most of us understand the classic concept of PTSD–flashbacks, triggers, nightmares, and fight-or-flight modes. We can also apply these trauma concepts to relationships. Whether someone stays and becomes codependent on a narcissistic or they leave the relationship altogether, they will inevitably have relational trauma. Though many psychologists recognize relational trauma to start within the family (and it so often does), relational trauma also occurs within adult romantic partnerships. PsychCentral makes the brilliant point that relational PTSD can easily overlap with complex trauma, and both include symptoms like negative self-image, emotional dysregulation, dissociation, relationship difficulties, and difficulty recognizing reality. The above mentioned commonality between complex and relational PTSD, negative self-image, is another long term danger of becoming romantically partnered with a narcissist. Survivors of a narcissistic partner become so accustomed to gaslighting and oppression that once they leave the relationship, putting themselves down can feel almost normal. Survivors of narcissistic abuse feel as though they deserve the myriad of long term abuse that they received. And so often when they try to better themselves in any way, they can hear the voice of their narcissistic partner in the back of their minds discouraging and mocking their shifts toward self-growth. Lastly, the third long term danger of dating a narcissist would be an overt mistrust of others. Naturally, when someone realizes that their partner is deceptive, minimizing, and manipulative after having trusted them, the thought of being vulnerable enough to trust another human being produces anxiety, stress, and other trauma responses. Survivors of narcissistic partnerships tend to assume that many people around them, if not all, are silently and covertly deceiving them in the same manner that their narcissistic partners would. They also feel a high mistrust for their next romantic partners because of the traumatic imprint that their former narcissistic abuser left on their view of others. So your partner is a narcissist… Now what? I openly know that once I publish this on my website, I will more than likely receive backlash for what I declare in the last part of this blog. I first want to say that I myself am a survivor of narcissistic abuse in a relationship. I have been on the receiving end of manipulation, gaslighting, oppression, and love bombing. I also have done work on the long term effects of leaving a partnership with a narcissistic abuser, i.e. my mistrust in others, my low view of self, and my own relational trauma brought on by the narcissistic partner. In the same breath, I can safely say that narcissistic people are not monsters and do not need to be shamed for having a mental illness. It is not therapeutic or humane to assume that narcissists are undeserving of love. Yes, they need to take ownership and accountability for the trail of people that they have hurt and realize the trauma that they caused people. AND they are also capable of gaining self-awareness as well as learning how to treat other people in a kind, empathetic way. Not all narcissists are psychopaths; just because someone has NPD does not mean that they lack empathy completely. Having said all of this, I do not utilize the knee-jerk reaction that someone should leave their partners if they exhibit narcissistic traits. Obviously, there are extreme cases like Armie Hammer. And if there is emotional or physical abuse present within a relationship, the relationship should end completely. However, in the past I have worked with couples where one partner is narcissistic. Throughout the process, the narcissistic abuser gains insight into the pattern they share with their partner, and the unhealthy need to be admired or adored tends to soften as the couple learns a newer, healthier way to engage. To put this simply: If your partner is narcissistic and you are being abused in any way, leave now. It will save you years and years of trauma and healing from the oppressive relationship. Looking back, my narcissistic abuser hunted me down and zoomed into my weak spots. He kept me for his gain and showed no real remorse for this even after I left the relationship. Had I known to look for the signs of narcissistic abuse, I would have left before the relationship even started. If your partner is narcissistic and you are not being abused or in immediate danger, the relationship can survive. Typically the best way that a relationship can survive and thrive after narcissism is uncovered is for the partner with NPD to receive individual counseling and the couple receive relationship counseling. Couples counseling provides a safe space for both partners to be heard, and I have seen partners with traits of NPD hear the perspective of their partner in a way that stops them from being a narcissist altogether. Ideally, the same partner would enter their own form of therapy with a therapist of similar framework of couples therapy. The individual therapist and couples therapist should also be in contact with each other (with both partners’ consent, of course) so that the partner with NPD as well as the partner without NPD can receive the quality of care they both deserve. If you are in a narcissistic partnership and need help getting out, if you would like to begin couples counseling with a partner who has narcissistic traits, or if you are realizing that you could be a narcissist, call New Wave Counseling now at 512-402-2995 or email newwavecounselingatx@gmail.com to set up your complimentary phone intake with Ian Hammonds. If you need immediate assistance in leaving an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or go to thehotline.org.


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