It's no secret that suicide and depression run rampant within the cisgender male population. Growing up, I watched several male family members struggle with suicide attempts and debilitating depression. I also struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts as a teenager. I watched the men in my life suffer silently around me and have nowhere to turn for fear of being seen as weak. Why has this been normal for so long?
Statistics
In 2021 according to the CDC, 48,183 people ended their own lives, and a whopping 38,358 of these suicide deaths were carried through by men (four times HIGHER than those carried through by females). The CDC also notes that men make up half of the population but nearly 80% of all suicides. Feel overwhelmed yet?
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, middle-aged white men have the highest rate of suicide. White males also contributed to 70% of all suicides in 2021. 50% of all suicides were done by firearms (a cis male-centric method of ending one's life). On average in 2021, there were 132 suicides per day, and approximately 92 of them were men. In 2021, there were also 1,700,000 suicide attempts. And by the mentioned statistics, we can guess that the majority of these suicide attempts would be men!
Why the Male Suicide Pandemic? I am sure that there are countless qualitative studies done on male suicide as far as the reasons they gave for ending their own lives, what their families and therapists reported as contributors, and so forth. However, instead of looking up these statistics, I will speak from my perspective as both a psychotherapist as well as a cisgender male with raw, human experiences.
Internalizing Feelings: Perhaps the biggest indicator as to why men end their own lives at an alarmingly high rate is that we have been conditioned to internalize sadness, fear, shame, and any other emotion or feeling that is seen as vulnerable. Men are given permission (and almost encouraged) to show emotions like anger, rage, jealousy, contempt, and joy. However, men are so often emasculated by their fathers, their families, and their partners if they cry, become depressed, or show anxiety. This is a lethal problem. Cisgender men have the same feelings, emotions, wants, and needs that every other human has. We have just been conditioned to repress, suppress, or compartmentalize to the point of extreme depression and suicidality.
Not Asking For Help: Another huge indicator for male suicide I have seen is that men are taught to not ask for help. We have had it practically drilled into us that we should pick ourselves up by the bootstraps, "suck it up", "embrace the suck", and to never ask for help for fear of being seen as incapable or inadequate. I am still sometimes guilty of this and need to remind myself that it is absolutely okay to reach for someone when I am in need.
Isolation/Lack of Community: A significant indicator in male depression and suicidal thoughts is an overwhelming lack of community. This ties into the first two frequent reasons for male suicide in that it is embarrassing to show vulnerability and to ask for help. As previously mentioned, middle-aged white men are the most likely to commit suicide. Whereas so many other cultures around the world embrace community and collectivism (which are linked to longer lifespans), there is a looming sense of toxic individualism in White culture (specifically White male culture). Middle-aged white men have grown up with the idea to "toughen up", and their friends they made growing up or in college have all disbursed and are no longer within easy reach.
So What Do We Do?
As you have probably gathered, the toxic gender norms that cis men grow up with are doing much more harm than good. Growing up with these "suck it up" ideals has done nothing but make men more depressed and at risk of harming or killing themselves. I am sure there are other links with this toxically masculine ideal and other various health problems like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. It is safe to say that men have become an endangered species in a sense.
Shifting the Perception of Cis Men: I am going to say something revolutionary here: Not all men are monsters. While I am personally glad that the #MeToo Movement happened, an unintended side effect of it that I've seen as a clinician is that now most men are viewed as abominable monsters until they are proven otherwise. I have met many men who were not misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, or toxically masculine. I think we can allow space for both male abusers being held accountable and not viewing all men as subhuman. I say this as a proud feminist and with male-inflicted trauma in mind. For those who have been abused by men, you are allowed to not trust the male population as long as you need to.
Raising the Future Male Generation: I have seen with my late teen and young adult male clients that boys are being conditioned much differently than when I was growing up. Boys are now being taught that emotions are okay, and that you are absolutely allowed to admit when you are sad or hurting. This gives me great hope that the future is a more emotionally intelligent population and that the male suicide rate is going to start decreasing as the years go by. If you have boys, encourage them to show vulnerability, to cry, to admit when they are sad, and to show other emotions aside from anger. Based on the above statistics, their adult lives depend on it!
Heal Our Good Men: Now that we have seen what the future can potentially hold for young men, the current male population needs a lot of help. For cis men in relationships, partners need to give them space to feel their raw emotions instead of shutting them down or worse yet, emasculating them. Men, white men particularly, need more encouragement to rely on their communities (joining a sports team, connecting with other men in their neighborhoods, or reaching out to old friends). And finally, if all else fails, MEN SHOULD SEEK THERAPY. I specialize in men's work and provide a safe space for men to feel heard, validated, and understood. If you think therapy is right for you and need a therapist who specializes in working with men, contact me at newwavecounselingatx@gmail.com.
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